So if you read yesterday’s post, you know that Ell-Bell got sick at the end of Saturday, and lots of vomit ensued. I was really hoping it was just a two-vomit bug (is that a thing?). Read ahead to find out if my hopes were in vain.
Day 3: Sunday, May 13 (Mother’s Day)
Ah yes, Mother’s Day. A complicated and emotional day for so many. And for everyone else, a day of breakfast in bed, mimosas, trips to the spa, and posting angelic pictures of your children on Facebook.
Well, let’s get real. My Mother’s Day was not of the breakfast-in-bed variety. Instead, it began with Ell-Bell waking up at 3:30 in the morning. Again. Fuuuuck. There was lots of crying, but blessedly, she eventually went back to sleep and snoozed on until 5:00 a.m. Of course, her 5:00 a.m. waking was punctuated by her throwing up all over herself, the bed, and yours truly.
“Cool,” I thought to myself. “Well maybe that time was the last time.”
Twenty minutes later, she threw up again. Dang it! So it was going to be that kind of day! Perhaps at this point, we should just switch to bullet points, because I’m exhausted just thinking about what happened next.
- On our way over to a Mother’s Day breakfast at my sister’s house, we stopped in at the grocery store to pick up some bacon. K-Man had a screaming meltdown on the floor as soon as we walked in, because I refused to carry him. I eventually had to bribe him with gummy bears so that I could move on with my life.
- In the middle of the Mother’s Day breakfast at my sister’s, Ell-Bell let out another warning burp. I raced her to the bathroom, where an impressive 30% of her vomit made it into the toilet. This particular vomit was filled with milk curds and smushed up raspberries (you’re welcome). So yeah, my breakfast was ruined. Luckily, my sister came to the rescue to help me clean up, and she even lent me a shirt to wear for the rest of the day.
- Next we drove about 45 minutes away to a waterfall for a nice picnic lunch. About 5 minutes into the drive, Ell-Bell threw up all over herself and the borrowed car seat again. I had to pull over and perform another clean up. Baby wipes to the rescue once more!
- While we were playing in the little lake by the waterfall, K-Man announced that he had to pee. I was like, “cool, I’ll take you to the bathroom” and he was like, “nah, I’m just gonna pee in my shorts right here.” I only had sweatpants for him to change in to, but it was a hot sunny day and he was already playing in a bunch of water. So yeah, I’m that mom who let her son keep running around with pee all over his shorts.
- At some point, K-Man ran off to a playground about 50 yards away and, under my not-very-careful supervision, decided to shed his shorts. I was quite horrified to discover, when I was finally paying more attention, that my son was running around the packed playground in his undies. He refused to put them back on, and I was not about to pin my son to the ground and force his shorts on in front of 50 happy people.
- When we all decided it was time to go, everyone headed back to their respective cars. Except I was left behind with the task of retrieving K-Man from the playground. And that little buttface would. NOT. COME. I begged. I pleaded. I bartered. I pretended to leave without him. Nope. Finally, I swallowed my pride and army crawled through a damned play tunnel with my sick baby strapped to my chest so I could get within arm’s reach of that little turd. I grabbed him like a maniac, forced him down the slide with me, and started dragging him away from the playground. Because K-Man was fighting back and we were making the most horrid scene, I finally just picked him up and carried both kids back to the car. I reunited with my family and they were all like, “what took you so long?”
- On the drive back to our hotel, I heard some suspicious noises from Ell-Bell and pulled off the rural highway to investigate. She wasn’t vomiting, miracle of miracles! But then K-Man looked at me and said, “I’m just gonna poop in the driveway right there, I’m not gonna poop in my seat.” Um, what? I urgently asked if he needed to poop, and he repeated his desire to poop in the “driveway.” I asked him to hold on and promised we would find him a potty, but then he said very casually, “I’m just pooping right now. A lot is coming out.” Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME? So I got back out of the car, pulled K-Man out of his seat, and started the clean up process. And I’m sorry for the TMI, but it was NOT a healthy poop. I used another mountain of baby wipes to clean poop out of the borrowed car seat, and then made my poor son stand pantsless on the side of the road while I de-pooped him. You’re welcome for the show, rural Oregon!
- After some rest at the hotel, I packed the kids back in the car to head out for dinner with my family. En route to the dinner, I caught a yellow light that made me hit the brakes a little harder than usual. And as I did, something flew from the backseat and bumped heavily into the back of my seat. What on earth? I turned around quickly, completely baffled as to what I had left loose back there. And as I turned, I saw … my son’s sweet little hand wrapped around my seat. He was on the floor, looking up at me with shock all over his face. Oh my god! I had forgotten to buckle him in to his seat! And he wasn’t hurt, at all, but something seriously bad could have happened! Holy shit did I feel like the worst mom in the history of everything ever.
- Dinner, at my sister’s urging, was at a fancy Thai restaurant. A place with no kids’ menu, and not many kid guests. I ordered my kids $20 worth of food that I knew they wouldn’t touch, and then tried to play zone defense. As predicted, when the food arrived, K-Man had no interest. And he wouldn’t stay in his damned seat; he was crawling all over the restaurant at this point. Meanwhile, Ell-Bell was also antsy and losing her mind. Her crying escalated, and other guests started to stare. I could feel my own family getting tense. Finally, I’d had it. Three days of mental and physical exhaustion, three days of trying to keep it together through catastrophe after catastrophe, and I was just done. I picked up Ell-Bell, grabbed K-Man’s hand, and told my mom that I was just going to wait outside. I left her my credit card to cover my meal, and then as soon as my face hit fresh air I started to cry. Embarassing! At one point, my sister came out and tried to take my place so I could go back in and enjoy my meal, but there was no way I wanted to go back in to that restaurant.
- Back at the hotel, it took another hour and a half to get my unexplainably hyper kids to fall asleep. After they eventually passed out, I sat in the dark and finally indulged in my very cold Drunken Noodle dinner.
So yeah, that was my Mother’s Day. At this point, I was beginning to realize that this was no ordinary trip with two small kids. There was clearly some cosmic design to crush my soul and discourage me from ever leaving the house again. And it was working. On the bright side, the trip was more than halfway over.
Stay tuned tomorrow for a replay of my 4th day in hell.
Until next time,