Oral

My son K-Man was not an oral baby. I mean, sure, he was obsessed with his pacifier, but he was never one for putting foreign objects in his mouth. Which, I now realize, was a blessing. I never had to fuss about what potential choking hazard or foul object might be lying within his sticky little grasp.

Safe to say, I was not adequately prepared when my daughter Ell-Bell basically came out of the womb eating things off the floor.  She is orally fixated to the max and will try to put anything and everything in her big fat gob.  It’s cute, of course, but sometimes can be annoying as fuck! Like that time at 5 months old, when she pulled a pile of tacos off the table and onto my lap, because she was trying to snag a spicy bite.  Or that time (all the time) she was obsessed with her big brother’s super ball and carried it around in her mouth like a dog.

Or that time at the playground, yesterday, when I couldn’t let her roam free for one second because she insisted on trying to put every single wood chip from that wood-chip-laden plot directly into her pie hole.  It was exhausting chasing after her, prying wood chips out of her fists, and scolding “no no, icky, that’s not food!”

As I tiredly pulled my two chunks home from the playground in their little red wagon, I thought to myself, “maybe I could blog about this issue?” But alas, I resolved there wasn’t a ton of there there.

That all changed just two hours later.

Fast forward to dinner time. I let the kids run a little wild while I put everything together. As I was dishing up some baked chicken, rice, and flaccid broccoli stems (anybody else constantly duped by the luscious-looking broccoli florets on the cover of frozen produce bags?), I suddenly noticed that I hadn’t heard Ell-Bell for at least 45 seconds. Wuh oh.  I quickly sashayed towards the living room–where I thought she was–but a shadow caught my eye as I passed by the bathroom. I backed up — idiot! Of course she’s in the bathroom!

There she sat on the bathroom floor, next to the kitty litter. One hand holding a small brown object. The other hand batting at her tongue. A pile of other small brown objects scattered across the floor. Brown smudges all over the corners of her mouth. Do I need to say more, you guys? She was eating fucking cat poop! “Holy shit!” I thought as I scooped her up and batted the turd out of her hand.  I frantically grabbed about 200 wet wipes, crumpled them into a ball, and smashed them repeatedly against her face, tongue, and hands.  After texting with Hubby to confirm that Ell-Bell was not about to die, I set her down for dinner. What else was I supposed to do?

So what do you think, do I win the Mom of the Year award?

I guess, in spite of everything, there are some upsides to having an oral baby.  For instance, Ell-Bell absolutely devoured those broccoli stems at dinner.  That could have been a desperate attempt to wash the kitty poo taste out of her mouth, though. Who knows.

Until next time,

Vee

15 thoughts on “Oral

  1. So your husband’s response is awesome! We have a kid who has always put things in his mouth, thankfully, we don’t have a cat which means we don’t have a littler box so we can avoid that one! But, I am confident he has eaten bunny poop at the park on more then one occasion….

    Also, just to make you laugh, my mother-in-law was determined to give me a photo of myself this year for my birthday (she has given me one almost yearly since I’ve known her). And, yes I did just say a photo of myself. Mr. MPB refused to send her a photo to put in the frame she purchased. He told her it was a horrible gift idea because who wants a photo of themselves and it’s not even a photo she took. He also told her I wouldn’t put the frame up since all our frames throughout our house match. He even told her to look around our house and she can see that not 1 of the frames she’s ever given me is up. Yes it was tough love. No, it didn’t work. She sent me the frame without a picture in it because she refused to return it even though she knew I’d hate it. The frame is something a 12 year old girl might like. Now I’ll add it to the stack of never to be seen photo frames.

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    1. Okay, I guess I feel a little better knowing my kid is not the only one consuming feces? That feels a little selfish to say though 😬

      And I totally laughed out loud at your mother-in-law story! I’m envisioning one of those 90s glam photos with the funny lighting and feather boas, inside a rhinestone-lined frame that says “Love” or “BFFs” or something in the corner. But seriously, how ridiculous is it that Mr. MPB told her you didn’t want that and she gave it to you anyway? Is she hostile or just really stubborn? I like to think that my MIL wouldn’t give me something that Hubby asked her not to, but maybe that’s a little too generous 😊 Anyway, you can always save that stack of photo frames for your next garage sale!

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  2. OMG that made me gag! I can totally see it happening to me in your situation–BG is the easiest kid and I’ve never worried about her putting things in her mouth or sticking her fingers in light sockets, etc. etc. And I’m pretty laid back most of the time, so keeping vigillant would be a constant battle. But one thing I’ve done that you might find helpful–the cat box is in the (cramped) laundry room and there is a gate up so the dog/a small child cannot access it. No worries mama! Sh*t happens! ❤ XO

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    1. Literal sh*t 😋 But that is a good idea! Our laundry room is in the basement but we’ve considered putting a cat door in and moving the kitty litter down there. But then we worry about our little girl climbing through the cat door — she totally would do it!

      Sorry for making you gag this morning, haha!

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  3. OMG!!! C puts everything in her mouth as well. (Which I’m convinced is why she’s almost never been sick in her 16 months of life! She says give me all the germs!) As soon as she began to move, the cat boxes were the first area to be gated off, along with the stairs. Kids are gross. Just keep in the back of your mind that cat poop can carry Toxoplasmosis…so if she does, in fact, begin to get ill, tell her pediatrician and have her tested!! (Not trying to scare you, just keeping it real! From your friend, the vet tech!)

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    1. Thank you for the advice! I will totally monitor her because, come on! Poop! You’re right, kids are gross 😊 I think we need to brain storm a bit more about how we can gate off the litter because she’s not showing any signs of stopping.

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      1. Hahaha! We’ve always had our boxes in this little cubby area at the end of our mid room, so that was easy enough to block off. We just have a baby gate high enough that the cats can get under, but low enough so her head can’t fit through. We had to move their food and water bowls to the bathroom and gate that off as well,after I found her eating cat food one day lol!!

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      2. Ell-Bell will totally spill the cat water dish all day if we don’t pick it up off the floor 🙄 She hasn’t eaten any cat food yet — that I know of — but is all about harassing the poor kitties while they eat!

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      3. Yeah that’s also why we had to move it all. If she gets into the bathroom, she makes a beeline for the water bowls and splashes away until we can run in and grab her!

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  4. Twice our child has managed this, much to my dismay as the litter box has always been 100% child proof. Both times the cat decided he was pissed off and shat where he wasn’t supposed to. The first time was around 10 months and it was on her play mat. I brushed her teeth like 10 tines and threw up (also called the nurses line and they said they get that call alot.) The second time was 3 months ago (at 17 or 18 months and she didn’t manage to get it into her month, thank goodness but did bring it to us from her playroom, I puked that time as well, just imagining what had happened last time. Kids are so gross and cats can be such assholes when they are mad at you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww that makes me feel better, thank you! (But I’m sorry you threw up! Now I feel like I’m gross for being cool enough with it that I didn’t puke, haha!)

      And amen to cats being assholes!

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  5. Omg ew!!!!!!!!! So nasty! I was cracking up at your husbands response. I would have been freaking out! I’m sure there are lots of nasty things kids eat and the are all fine haha. Thanks for the horrific story that had me laughing out loud multiple times. Sorry it happened though!

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