Tag: anxiety

Summer Struggle Bus

On By VeeIn Family, Parenting7 Comments

Lately, when I’ve had free time, I’ve preferred to sit in front of the TV and check out.  I mean, do you know how many hours of Bachelor in Paradise I have to catch up on?  You really can’t let that shit slip or things get out of control.

But today, with my precious few kid-free moments, I thought I might sit down and write some things out.  Because if I keep ignoring this, it may never go away.

The truth is, lately, I’ve been feeling down.  Like shit, actually.  I’ve been in a funk and I just can’t seem to climb out of it on my own.

It’s supremely frustrating, because all winter long, I dreamed about how much better everything would be in summer.  (Insert requisite Olaf meme here).  I planned to live it up and enjoy every last ounce before winter returned again, but things just didn’t turn out like that.  I’ve been too depressed, anxious, and tired to appreciate the season.

I really think part of the problem is that I spent so much energy just trying to survive this winter.  My fragile sanity was stitched together by barely a few threads once the weather started to warm up, and all I could do was realize how truly exhausted I was.  And then I took a few disastrous, solo-parenting, cross-country trips that took weeks to recover from.  And I swear to god Hubby has worked more overnights this summer than any other resident in his program.

At the same time, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis and feeling somewhat professionally unfulfilled.  What I would really, truly, love … is about 10 hours of work a week, preferably something that I can do remotely.  But that kind of work doesn’t come easily in my field — or maybe it does, but I just don’t know how or where to look.

I’m having a crisis of confidence about being a stay-at-home-mom.  I know how hard the work is, and I’m proud of myself for sticking with it for more than a year now.  But I also know that there are a lot of people who look down on what I do.  And as much as I would love to rise above that, I can’t help but feel insecure about it.  I miss being the bad-ass lawyer who covered all of the household expenses and put her husband through medical school.  But … I also really don’t want to go back to that lifestyle.  Can you even imagine how our house would stay afloat if I worked 60-80 hours a week while my husband carried on with his emergency medicine residency?  I mean, would we ever even see each other?  Would we eat anything other than takeout every night?  Would the kitties die from the inevitably unchanged litter?  Would we forget to pick our kids up from daycare?  I know there are plenty of families where both parents juggle high stress, high demand jobs, but I also know that I’m not cut out for it.  I’m just not that good at multitasking.

So basically, I’m just confused and dissatisfied all around.  I know I need to talk to someone, I know that therapy would help.  Or at least, it’s helped in the past.  But can we talk about how hard it is to figure out therapy when you’re responsible for two little munchkins all day? Can we also talk about how I am a complete noob and still don’t know how to find or use a babysitter?

On the bright side, I think my kids have still had an okay time the past few months.  Though it’s felt like pulling my own teeth out, I’ve made an effort to get them outside, go places, do fun summer things almost every day.  I know (and hate) that they’ve sensed that I’m sad from time to time, but I also feel like they’re doing ok.  They’re really good kids.

Until next time,

Vee

 

 

The Finish Line (#NaBloPoMo Day 30)

On By VeeIn Uncategorized2 Comments

I did it!  Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo, and I managed to blog every single day in November.  Day 30 is upon us, and my final theme is … Books.  Wait, what?  What on earth inspired me to pick something so anticlimactic after such a momentous (for me, probably not for you) month?  Well, what I was thinking was, dreaming up thirty different themes is hard, and November 30th is Lucy Maud Montgomery’s birthday.  So I’ll just write about books on that day. 

How weird is it that I: a) ever knew Lucy Maud Montgomery’s birthday, and b) still remember it to this day?  What important, life-saving information am I forgetting because I’m using up so much crucial brain space on menial LMM trivia?  Clearly I had a slight Anne of Green Gables obsession in my adolescence.

If you’re dying to know about me and books, I’m kind of a David Baldacci nerd (#basic).  But, I don’t intend to write any more on the subject today, because I’d rather use the rest of this post to reflect a bit on what it was like to blog every day over the past month.

So how did it feel? Honestly, it felt really good.  If you haven’t already guessed from the flavor of my writing and my own outright admissions, I struggle with anxiety.  It’s not crippling, but it is a significant part of my daily life.  When we first moved to upstate New York and I became a stay-at-home-mom, my anxiety surged in response to all of the unknowns.  But having this blog and forcing myself to write every day over the last month has strangely calmed my nerves.  I’ve been much happier, more organized, and more patient with my children.

I guess you could say frequent blogging has been an anxiolytic for me.  It’s forced me to reign in and synthesize some of the silly parenting thoughts bouncing around inside my head.  It’s allowed me to reflect on and put words to some deep-seated issues with certain family relationships.  It’s given me a platform to bitch about petty stuff and then move on, when I would otherwise be obsessing.

While it was hard to have “homework” every single day, it was alternatively nice to have a bit more purpose beyond mom-ing my kids and keeping house.  That’s not to say that I don’t think both of those things are incredibly important and fulfilling in their own way.  But neither is something that I do for me.  It felt nice to take care of myself and pursue my own interests with my blog this past month.

So all to say, I think I’ll keep going with this whole blogging thing.  But probably not every single day.  Because mommy needs to catch up on her shows.

Until next time,

Vee

They’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain (#NaBloPoMo Day 22)

On By VeeIn Family, Parenting5 Comments

Blue 22! Blue 22! Blue 22! Hut hut hut hut.  It’s the 22nd day of NaBloPoMo, and today’s theme is Visitors.  Speaking of visitors, don’t forget to read all about how my Hubby proposed to me when we were visiting his parents.  (That sequitur tho).

The holidays are upon us, and we’re about to have some visitors up in this piece! Tomorrow, Hubby’s sister (the one with the coveted birth story) and her family will descend upon the #CuteKids household.  We’re not setting any world records here — two adults and two kids — but my anxiety has nevertheless been through the roof for more than a week.  We’re talking crippling, hyperventilating, throat-closing, chest-fluttering anxiety.

Why am I so worked up?  It’s all of the things.  First, I have to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal all by myself.  With no one to watch my two kids while I do it.  Because Hubby will be working and sister-in-law won’t be arriving until right before meal time.  Did I mention I’ve never cooked a turkey before? Sweet Lord help me through this.  At this point, I’m just going to call it a success if I get all of the food cooked and on the table.  I barely even care how it tastes.  (But the pie better be fucking delicious).

And then there’s the cleaning.  My gawd, the cleaning.  With kids, there’s no cleaning ahead of time.  And there’s no cleaning when they’re awake.  So even though I know I can’t do anything about it until after bedtime tonight, I’ve been obsessing about it for weeks.  Mentally running through everything I need to do, trying to make a game plan, wondering if I’ll get it all done in time.  Is there any point to all of this worrying? Nope!

More than anything, though, my anxiety stems from the fact that I’m kind of a turd of a person who doesn’t know how to deal well with other people.  Having even loved ones in my home sends me over the edge because I’m (a) very private and (b) very sensitive to criticism.  I also always expect the worst of guests, and spend weeks ahead of time wondering what invasive or inappropriate behavior they are going to demonstrate.

Is my dad going to comment on my weight?

Is my mom going to criticize us for feeding K-Man mostly just chicken nuggets?

Is my father-in-law going to help himself to windexing the window I already windexed before he arrived?

Is my brother going to stay up all night watching Game Of Thrones and then sleep on the couch the entire next day?

Is my other brother going to get all sweaty on our treadmill and then sit shirtless on our leather chair?

Is my sister going to hold my newborn baby for two hours without giving her back?

Is my sister-in-law going to look the other way every single time the bill comes?

Is my mother-in-law going to take a nap in my bed without asking?

Who knows? Maybe everyone will be on their best behavior (as defined by me, graduate of the None School of Etiquette).  Or maybe they won’t be, but it will be ok, and I just need to CTFO (chill the fuck out).  Wish me luck!

Until next time,

Vee