Lately, when I’ve had free time, I’ve preferred to sit in front of the TV and check out. I mean, do you know how many hours of Bachelor in Paradise I have to catch up on? You really can’t let that shit slip or things get out of control.
But today, with my precious few kid-free moments, I thought I might sit down and write some things out. Because if I keep ignoring this, it may never go away.
The truth is, lately, I’ve been feeling down. Like shit, actually. I’ve been in a funk and I just can’t seem to climb out of it on my own.
It’s supremely frustrating, because all winter long, I dreamed about how much better everything would be in summer. (Insert requisite Olaf meme here). I planned to live it up and enjoy every last ounce before winter returned again, but things just didn’t turn out like that. I’ve been too depressed, anxious, and tired to appreciate the season.
I really think part of the problem is that I spent so much energy just trying to survive this winter. My fragile sanity was stitched together by barely a few threads once the weather started to warm up, and all I could do was realize how truly exhausted I was. And then I took a few disastrous, solo-parenting, cross-country trips that took weeks to recover from. And I swear to god Hubby has worked more overnights this summer than any other resident in his program.
At the same time, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis and feeling somewhat professionally unfulfilled. What I would really, truly, love … is about 10 hours of work a week, preferably something that I can do remotely. But that kind of work doesn’t come easily in my field — or maybe it does, but I just don’t know how or where to look.
I’m having a crisis of confidence about being a stay-at-home-mom. I know how hard the work is, and I’m proud of myself for sticking with it for more than a year now. But I also know that there are a lot of people who look down on what I do. And as much as I would love to rise above that, I can’t help but feel insecure about it. I miss being the bad-ass lawyer who covered all of the household expenses and put her husband through medical school. But … I also really don’t want to go back to that lifestyle. Can you even imagine how our house would stay afloat if I worked 60-80 hours a week while my husband carried on with his emergency medicine residency? I mean, would we ever even see each other? Would we eat anything other than takeout every night? Would the kitties die from the inevitably unchanged litter? Would we forget to pick our kids up from daycare? I know there are plenty of families where both parents juggle high stress, high demand jobs, but I also know that I’m not cut out for it. I’m just not that good at multitasking.
So basically, I’m just confused and dissatisfied all around. I know I need to talk to someone, I know that therapy would help. Or at least, it’s helped in the past. But can we talk about how hard it is to figure out therapy when you’re responsible for two little munchkins all day? Can we also talk about how I am a complete noob and still don’t know how to find or use a babysitter?
On the bright side, I think my kids have still had an okay time the past few months. Though it’s felt like pulling my own teeth out, I’ve made an effort to get them outside, go places, do fun summer things almost every day. I know (and hate) that they’ve sensed that I’m sad from time to time, but I also feel like they’re doing ok. They’re really good kids.
Until next time,
Vee
#CuteKids 
Oooooo girl, I had the same epiphany yesterday–I’m depressed and anxious, and it’s not going away. Which makes me feel SO awful because I’m pregnant and I should be so happy, right? I’m not. I’m doing a lot of “coping”. I think I was a better mom to BG when I was sick because even though I was debilitated I took advantage of every “ok” or “good” day to do fun stuff with her. Nowadays we don’t even have playdates, because the moms I know either moved away or are busy and I can’t force myself to try to make new friends. Or even see the friends I have here. I’m so freakin’ lame.
But as for babysitters, I prefer college girls. Depending on where you are, you might know some or find some easily. I met mine at the gym daycare. Or you can try care.com? Or even a nanny service that does background checks–I worked for one of those in college.
XOXO
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I’m so sorry to read that you’re feeling the same way — I don’t think you should feel guilty about being down when pregnant though! First of all, pregnancy is no joke and pregnancy-induced depression and anxiety are real! And second, you’ve been through so much over the past year plus, and you’ve been holding everything together for so many people. It’s no wonder you’re run down. I hope you’re able to find a way to figure things out in a way that’s convenient for you and your family.
And thanks for the babysitter tips! It’s so hard to pull the trigger but I neeeeed to for my (and my husband’s) sanity.
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I’ll be ok–now that I’ve realized what’s going on I’m trying to do more self-care and I’m going to do some EFT sessions with my “guru”. Also going to at least make contact with a couselor certified in PPA/PPD. I hope you find some relief–and a kickass babysitter–soon ❤XOXO
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I feel ya on the solo-parenting burn-out. My husband is leaving for his second business trip in the last three weeks and has another one scheduled one day after he returns from this one. I know he feels stressed about all the traveling, but really, you get to sleep in a hotel room all by yourself, uninterrupted?! You can watch whatever you want to watch on TV?! You get to have moments by yourself?! You don’t have to dress a toddler, feed them, or force them to get their teeth brushed?! Sorry, not sorry!
We don’t live near any family, so I’ve struggled with finding babysitters too. However, care.com does work. I thought it was kind of pricey, so only paid for one month. I messaged several different sitters near me, interviewed two, and loved them both. One was a college student and one is the same age as me. (I cannot believe that I babysat some neighbor kids when I was 12/13 years old – I would never leave my kid with a tween!). I work about 10 hours a week for a tutoring center (I used to be a teacher), and it is the perfect amount. Enough to get out of the house and talk to other people and enough to keep a foot in the door if I ever decide to go back to teaching. It doesn’t hurt to look online and see what job prospects are out there – or to think about a different way to use your skill set.
I’m really grateful that my three-year-old will be going to 3K for two afternoons this year. Those six hours a week are going to be life-changing for me! That is when I am scheduling all dentist, doctor, and haircut appointments, working out, and maybe even taking a nap! Any chance you can find a class for your kids to take to give yourself a breath? Montessori schools or daycares near you may offer classes geared towards your littles.
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Oh my goodness, good luck with all the single parenting! Out-of-town is a whole other level of awful (but only for the parent who is left behind, as you point out 😊).
Your tutoring gig sounds awesome and perfect! I would actually love to tutor but — alas — have zero teaching credentials. I think half of my problem is that I don’t know where I’m going with my career in the long term. Do I want to go back to serious lawyering? If yes, I probably shouldn’t pick up a few shifts a week as a barista. But if no, then who cares what I do? Guess I just need to figure my shiz out!
And yes to Pre-k! My son is starting this week and I am way excited. I’ll still have my littler munchkin in tow but I’m thinking it will be a welcome semi-break!
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I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. Its completely understandable. I’ve definitely felt the same way. Not that I had such an important job as you, but sometimes it just feels like I should be contributing in some other way, and financially, to the family. I don’t have any answers for you, just letting you know you’re not alone. “Hugs”
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Thank you for the hugs and the commiseration! But I object to your characterization of your former job being any less important than mine!!
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